I'm going to blog some more regularly here. Yay. Most of the time I share my visual creations here. This time I'm sharing some thoughts here about creating and being an artist. Today I'm giving some behind the scenes insights in my flow as artist and creator.
I have been wondering, thinking and feeling about creating what I want. When you know me, you know I'm a non-stop creation machine. I have new idea's everyday. I learned over time that not every good idea is for me to create or manifest. That there are many layers of creativity: The day to day creativity, what I would call breathing. That would be the in between drawing, writing, painting in my case. Than there are deeper layers that make the creation more intense.
For a time I was ok with the 'in between' creation snacks. But soon they weren't enough anymore, as my creativity only grew and grew. Somehow it never becomes less, the more I express it, the more it grows. So it wasn't about the act of creating anymore, or dedicating all my time to creating, it became about the intensity.
The intensity of the flow is determined by the depth of the expression. These days I just can't be fulfilled completely by the basic creation anymore, the doodles, with the just writing in between the dishes and groceries, with the painting. It needs to be supercharged with focus, surrender and purpose.
It's like time has become more valuable than ever. I believe that once we choose our play grounds, when we choose to live in service of expression, of love of unity, everything will make that happen. So to me it feels like that what used to be ok for me before, just doesn't fit anymore.
As artist and creator I have created a life in where I can create 24/7 whatever I want. A huge luxury and dream for many, a pure necessity to stay sane and healthy for me. I need to be aware of my creative flow all the time and express, express and create and create. It's up to me to take care of the artist inside me. Once I'm in a flow I'm totally off the world. I have to make sure I have enough sleep, food, go outside in nature and schedule enough time for friends.
People label inspiration as positive often. I don't experience it always as fun. To me it almost can feel like manic. Being so charged with positive bubbles and energy that I just need to express, asks for an equal intense expression. I used to find it in writing my new book but now that creation is finished there is this kinda new space waiting. I know that creative energy has to flow and I know that it is of no use to blow myself up, charge myself, get in the flow when I don't have space or the tool to express it. Than it creates an inwards flow resulting in depression. It's a very delicate line.
So it never is the question: are you in the flow, do you have idea's, are you working on something new? The answer is always yes. The question is: What's next? The question I ask myself is: Do you had enough sleep, food, air to breath today? How's your energy management? What kind of challenge can I offer you today?
Space. It's about pure creative space, tools and a play ground. For me it's the constant awareness to not hold back. Even if I spit out creations with the minute and people can't keep up. Who cares? I'm not holding back anymore. Most of the time I'm still bored like hell. Who cares that people most of the time can't grasp or understand the pace and frequency of my creations?
Somewhere inside me I want to be understood. I want people to understand that it takes me no effort to do it, and that it's not something to cheer about when it's so easy for me to do. It's not like I climbed a mountain or something. But I also know that I'm blessed with some talents and that it's not about who suffered the most for a creation anymore. It's about pure joy and passion and that should be more than enough to have the right to be and express and create. O yeah. It's not like it's easy for me to take my place in the world.
Sometimes it feels like I have to earn it, that I must work for it to have a right to be. Others told me: you are so fearless in your creations, you don't have any restrictions or are afraid, you dare to do anything. I had to think and feel about it, cause it didn't resonated with me at all. I get physically sick everytime I publish a creation. Especially when I create art or design for clients it can give me sleepless nights. There is nothing easy about that for me. It's more the stuff around creating than the creating in itself that is a challenge for me.
There are times that I awake in the middle of the night, suddenly remembering something I created, did or said and feeling so bad about it. It's not that I like to speak in front of crowds or present. I get sick, my stomage turns around and don't 'like' it all. But there is a force, a passion inside me that is stronger than all the bull shit, than the fear. It's not that it takes me no effort to claim my birthright to be. It's that the passion, the feeling of wanting to express and expansion always wins. It's always bigger than any doubt, any belief I have.
It's also good to address that it's not that I have no fears or trauma's. It's despite of that all that I do what I do, that I am what I am. It's despite or due to all of that that every creation, every breath is a statement of Life. Of Joy of choosing for Fun. While also for me, I have my darkness, equal to the the amount of light and inspiration I express. I don't create with dark or light though, I create with something else: with stardust, that contains both and so much more. It's that stardust that gives me wings and makes it able for me to be so much more than I belief in moment of fear. It's the same stardust that is the base of every heart, soul and molecule in the universe.
I'm just so done with taking a canvas for granted when I want to paint the entire world. I just can't wait what I will come up with. Tons of idea's and directions I can take. Time will tell which flow I decided to swim on as I will make that decision intuitively in an inspired split second. I'm sure it will have a lot to do with expansion, with finally not holding back, it will not be about pretending to be smaller. It will be totally Mirri. Simply wonderfully totally ME.